Life as I know it

This time of year really brings out all the emotions we can so easily bottle up the rest of the year it seems.  I see children excited at the music machine at work while listening to childrens Christmas music and I got tears in my eyes.  If a child smiles at me the right way I get tears in my eyes.  I just have this huge hole waiting to be fullfilled by a child.  Until we are in a stable place in our lives I don't want to start adoption beings I want to adopt a school aged child. 

Then there's the wishing my father was still here and remembering how he used to sit back in his chair watching all the kids open up their gifts just taking it all in.  I miss my father often and not necessarily more so on the anniversary of his death or birthday.  It's little things like not being able to pick up the phone when I want to discuss politics, or August, 15th when I would call and see how the day was going beings he was an accountant.  It's been two years and I know it will continue to get easier. As my sister Dawn said once, "I'm happy for him, just sad for us." Thinking of being with the lord and reunited with so many who passed before him and not having to use crutches does help.

Then there is the poor me has to live in Wi.  I'm suppose to be the positive "we are where we are suppose to be person" but that's just not working for me anymore.  I want to be with family on special occasions and not be held back by a job that pays very little. I was recently told I could not have Dec 4th off which is when my cousin comes from Mpls and we make soy candles.  I've never had a problem getting the first Saturday off, not even at the other target where sales are double!  I was also told I couldn't have the 26th of Dec. off.  Again I've never had a problem getting the week off after Christmas and being back to work new years.  From the get go I've been unhappy at this Target and don't know what I should do.  I plan to sit down one of these first nights and make out a resume so I can get something else lined up.  I used to love working for Target and never really thought about the horrible wage and the fact anywhere else will pay for experience and not start you out at the same rate as someone who is starting their first job.  But all the thoughts come into my head...what if we move again soon, I don't have a finished degree, and so on.  In my last post I stated I'm in the process of making a dream book and I need to keep cutting things that brighten me up and keep me dreaming that there is more.  It's not about living among all the crazy packer people, it's about being close to the people that are  my family and friends that I don't get to see more than once a year.  No job is worth it to miss out on special events in their lives anymore. 

I'm so blessed to have the husband I do to be my Best Friend and companion.  He hurts when I hurt and I know understands me and the things that I go though.  He said last week to me that it hurts him when I'm sad and feeling this way because he knows this isn't me. 

.........so to answer the question that I get asked often, "do you ever have a bad day or get sad?" "Your always so happy, you must just have the perfect life!"  There it is folks, I to have bad days.  Yes I may be blessed with a husband that is to me the best and two puppies who think I'm the best dog mom but I don't get to share the joys many of you do with a child, be with my family during holidays and special events, which yes do give me sad days and make me down sometimes.  I do consider myself a positive person and being able to try and look at things with the theirs a reason for everything outlook but that doesn't mean that every once and awhile I don't get down.  I can tell you though that my faith and Gods love has gotten me through the last 3 years here in Wi, the ups and downs with my family and has given me the strong relationship that I feel Grant and I have.

Dream Book

We all have dreams and aspirations...right?  Well my cousin Tricia was showing me her dream book she created and wanted to do more with.  I started cutting images and quotes of my dreams and things I would like to see myself become.  Tonight I will sit down, get out a binder, pretty paper, scissors, a glue stick and my dream pieces and put this together and hopefully watch my dreams unfold into reality. 

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
--Louisa May Alcott

"Follow your dreams, for as you dream you shall become."
--Anonymous

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities."
--Janos Arany