The Me I Want To Be

I've started reading John Ortenberg's book The Me I Want To Be. I've been in a horrible rut lately.  I'm not at the job I want to be and it's really wearing on my soul.  Grant who is awesome at playing tough love with me was dropping me off at work one day.  I looked up at the Target sign and instantly started crying saying "I just cannot do this anymore Grant!" He gave it to me and said..."Then do something about it!" That hit me like a ton of bricks but worked.  I've been looking, and even actually have the confidence that I am worth more than going to work at a place I no longer feel passionate about.  That's hard for me because I always have this inner voice that screams at me "your no better than a retail job" or "you never finished your college degree how do you expect to do anything else!" we are our worst critics after all. I'm not a depressed person on a normal basis (trust me, I used to be and it was a horrible way to spend my life), but when something or someone gets to me I can let it eat me up and consume my every waking moment and work is doing this very thing to me now.  I then let bitterness take over my thoughts and it's kinda funny cause every bitter thought I follow with a pratical thought of how good my life actually is. It's like I tell myself that I should be bitter cause I cannot have a child and I probably will not , and then I get bitter, but then find myself wondering why because God has blessed me with such awesome nieces and nephews.  I'm at constant battle with myself and it's quite strange.  In the clip below he talks about how God has self designed our temperment and although we may want to be someone else, we won't be.  I've always wished I wasn't so loud and open but I am, that's me and I'm learning to love who I am.  Some may not like it and I get hushed a lot and weird looks but that's me and I cannot be someone else as much as I've tried.  In the clips he stated two lists we make, I should be.... and I am.  Well here is my lists:
I should be:
More Quiet
Assertive
Have a college degree
have a want to be more successful
A mom
Not Divorced
Have had a wonderful one time wedding of my dreams
Closer to my sisters
Cook More
Thinner


I am:
Loud and crazy
"just" a target employee
Not a mom but an aunt
Divorced
a person without wedding photos
not close to my siblings
a girl who eats out to much and allows my husband to do the same
overweight
generous
passive
very in touch with my emotions
not someone who ever wants to be in charge but wants a job that feels fullfilling
not good with money
not confident
good listener
Not going to tell your secret


So as I was talking to my cousin Tricia the other night about an I am list I've decided I'm going to make a I am list of just things I want to be and am but nothing negative.  So once I sit down and make it I will share it beings I am an open person(: I would take the time and watch this clip and read the book.  Very good stuff


http://www.themeiwanttobe.com/index.php